Sunday, November 22, 2009

Life and happiness

I feel like my life is going down the drain..
Yes, I have a job, I go to school, have an awesome family and friends
but I feel like it's not enough.
I don't know what career path I want to choose.
My family, being the Asians that they are (-__-), always told me to be a doctor or a dentist or an English teacher. Sure, I really like learning about those things, but I don't know if it's right for me.
I've always did my best to meet my family's expectations.
I never had the chance to think of what I wanted, so I do not know what I want.
I don't want to be stuck in that hole, but it's hard for me to get out.
I want to do something I want, but my parents are getting in my fucking way and it pisses me off.
I never know what to do and I hate it. I don't know how to make decisions for myself.

I always dreamed of become a model because of my tall height, but it's not happening because of my weight and not everyone survives in that industry. I love fashion, but I decided to turn it into a hobby instead..

I don't think I've every experienced true happiness before in my life.
Growing up, I have always been told I was fat. People called me names, looked at me with the 'OMG look at her' face, made fun of me, and I could hear them talk about me. I sometimes I feel like I'm socially awkward because I don't feel like I'm saying the right thing at the right time. So, I just stay quiet most of the time. Recently, a lot of people have been telling me that I'm pretty and I don't need to lose weight. It's very uncomfortable for me to hear those things because I don't believe any of that stuff. I have no trust in those words. I'm trying to tell my stuff that everyday, but it's not an easy thing to do after constant years of hearing negative things. I've done many diets, I started playing sports, I even starved myself. As a result, I have poor health and thin hair...I REALLY regret it. I hate how girls these days say how fat they are when they have nothing on them. But, it makes me a hypocrite when I do the things I tell girls not to do. I guess I have an addiction/obsessions with diets/losing weight...I don't know when I'll ever be happy for who I am.

I'm a really devoted Christian and I really love God, but I feel like I'm not getting it deep down. Everything is on the surface for me. Sigh...I really don't know what I'm sayin, but....I don't know. I can't live life like this because it's very frustrating and it pisses me off.
I want to make a difference in this world, but I don't know what.
What is a person like me supposed to do?

What does it feel like to be truly happy?
Am I happy? Yes, but only on the surface I guess...

What makes you happy? What makes you want to live life?

1 comment:

NAO said...

Hey I was just passing by, & I had this sudden urge to comment on your blog. I'll try to give the best answer i could offer hehe :p

Girl, lift up and live everyday to the fullest. Go out there and show your beautiful smile and let people see how bright and gorgeous your aura is. God made you YOU, beautiful & pure; you are without a doubt a bright ray of light in this world
Not everyone would find out whats meant for them in life, but being here in this world you ARE making a difference & eventually, you will find out :D

When i read through your post I was able to relate to many of your issues. I too had had many, many personal battles & was teased a lot during school (because I was, and still is a HUGE bookworm). Even today, when people say certain things to me I find it hard to trust. But maybe, sometimes, trust them even though your head says no, because without a doubt it makes you feel better & you know, they are telling you the truth :p.

You asked before, how it feels to be truly happy?
I am sure there are moments in your life that you have been truly happy and at ease even if it seems like the most insignificant & smallest things.
What makes me happy?
I found that art for me is my true happiness. It helps me esape from harsh reality, like a drug haha, only better. This is my study & my future career path. My asian parents were obviously agianst it, but if you truly love it/content with it, it is obvious that you will enjoy doing it and keep doing it with your best effort till you die haha.

Well im not sure if this really helped a lot. Now that I scroll through it, it just looks like a whole lot of rambling. haha
well I hope i cheered you up a bit :p
goodluck and take care <333